Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Son of the Ford Foundation



Son of the Ford Foundation (SFF): This is Zach.

ALL: Hello Zach!

Zach: I eat when I find things.

Me: What is going on?

ALL: [talking over one another]

SFF: We need to dazzle the riddle!

ALL: Huzzah!

Me: Look, I bought a ticket at the bus stop in Minneapolis and got on this bus because it said "Albuquerque." Why are we riding down a dirt road in Kansas?

SFF: We have to find out what came from where and then smash it before it tumbles into everything else.

Me: Who are you?

[The man sitting in the seat next to me who earlier told me his nam was Sam tells me that the man standing in the aisle proclaiming things is the Son of the Ford Foundation.]

Me: I have no idea what that means.

Sam: He took over the Ford Foundation when it gave birth to him.

Me: You’re insane.

Sam: I’m not going to object to that, but going for broke is what we do now.

Me: You’re all followers of the Son of the Ford Foundation?

Sam: We’re all people, if that’s what you mean.

Me: No, that’s not what I mean.

Sam: He speaks in riddles!

ALL: [cheering]

SFF: Finally, we can dazzle the riddle! Bus driver, find the cliff and drive over it.

Bus Driver: There are no cliffs in Kansas.

SFF: Well then step on it!

[The bus driver speeds up down the windy dusty road.]

SFF: You there, what is your name?

Me: I’m Michael.

ALL: Wrong!

SFF: Let’s call him “Toad.”

ALL: Toad!

Me: Sam, when we first started talking back in Minnesota you seemed like a normal guy. You said you were a podiatrist. Please tell me you’re not with these Hare Krishnas or whatever the fuck they are.

Sam: You constantly make demands on me. Is that part of the game? Do I have to say things back to you just as you say them as a matter of—“

SFF: We’re getting behind ourselves. Next one to jump in the air gets to warble!

[No one jumps.]

SFF: Whew. I thought I was going to vomit. Now that we have some semblance of a grasp of are narnary, let’s set about to make cluck-cluck noises in our minds.

[Silence]

Me: [whispering to Sam] I’m really freaked out right now.

Sam: [screams] Congratulations!

SFF: Ah, very well done! Bus driver?

Bus driver: Yes?

SFF: Are we there yet?

Bus driver: [long pause] Yes! [slams on the breaks as passengers are thrown from their seats].

SFF: [Stands up] That was very dramatic!

ALL: Huzzah!

Sam: [finding his seating again] *whispers to me* When I read the written “Lol” with the first letter capitalized I sound it out in my head, “LAUGH! … out loud.” 

Me: [sitting down again] Whatever you say.

Sam: No, no. I don’t say it. Whatever, either. Well, when I do, I do.

Me: Whatever.

SFF: Is everyone shook up?

ALL: Yes!

SFF: Very, very timely time to be shook up. Bus driver!

Bus driver: Yes?

SFF: Open the door!

ALL: [shuffle out the door onto a dirt road surrounded on either side by waist-high wheat as far as the eye can see. The land is flat and, thus, the horizon does not stretch far at all.]

Me: There’s not a hill anywhere in sight.

SFF: Yes. Let the claustrophobia begin!

ALL: Zuzzz

Sam: Have you ever been anywhere so dry or dusty?

Me: No. Maybe the desert, but even the desert isn’t this dusty. This is hell.

SFF: This is where riddles are dazzled! And you are still the riddle!

Me: Me?

SFF: Who else?

Me: You’re the riddle for me.

SFF: Mighty kind of you. Have you any apples?

Me: No.

SFF: That’s a problem. No matter, we’ll count Marcia’s abundant supply of shoes!

HALF: Coco!

OTHER HALF: Chanel!

Sam: *whispers* I ate a tomato yesterday.

Me: So?

Sam: *whispers* Don’t analyze; just translate.

Me: What do you mean?

Sam: [alarmed] I don’t mean anything! Why would you accuse me of that?! [walks away in a huff]

Me: [walks over to woman chattering to herself] Do you know what’s going on?

Turnip: I know I’m a turnip.

Me: I don’t know what that means.

Turnip. I don’t, either. Are we supposed to know?

Me: I just want to figure out why the bus has stopped in the middle of nowhere.

Turnip: This is nowhere? I always wondered where it was. Hey, everyone, we found nowhere!

ALL: Huzzah!

Me: [walks over to bus driver] Why did you stop here?

Bus driver: Because I was ordered to stop here.

Me: Who ordered you to stop?

Bus driver: The Ford Foundation.

Me: The Ford Foundation ordered you to stop?

Bus driver: That’s what I said. Now you said it, too! [cackling laughter]

Sam: [runs back to me] It wasn’t the Ford Foundation. It was the Son of the Ford Foundation.

SFF: Yes, Sam?

Sam: He was asking who ordered the bus to stop. I told him it was you.

SFF: That’s a silly thing to say.

Sam: I know! That’s why I said it! [runs into a wheat field, laughing]

Me: What the hell does it mean to be the Son of the Ford Foundation.

SFF: I try not to think about it, but I’ve been told it’s one of the most important things to be.

Me: Who told you?

SFF: Everyone has told me. Well, not you, but everyone else. Not just on the bus, either. Everyone I’ve ever met throughout my entire life.

Me: What? Shit, I don’t even know what to ask.

SFF: Oh. Maybe you should make a statement instead.

Me: Really?

SFF: Yes. Questions are tiresome for those who have to answer.

Me: Okay. We’re in the middle of nowhere, a wheat field, Kansas, I guess. You made the bus driver turn on to this dirt road for no reason.

SFF: I had a reason.

Me: Tell me the reason.

SFF: There you go! No question, just a hard-and-fast command. You might be a leader.

Me: Tell me the reason.

SFF: I can’t do that.

Me: Yes, you can.

SFF: You’re wrong.

Me: Does it have something to do with the Ford Foundation?

SFF: That’s a question. 

Me: [fuming]

SFF: Very well, I’ll answer. It is for the good of the Ford Foundation.

Me: How so?

SFF: You and your questions!

Me: [flabbergasted] Fine! Tell me how turning onto a dirt road along wheat fields in Kansas is good for the Ford Foundation!

SFF: You’re very insistent. You pretend to be polite by asking questions, oblivious to the obligations you are creating, and then you make fierce demands which are even more taxing! You are overbearing and rude. I’m not used to that. I might like it, but I can’t tell yet.

Me: Okay, I’ll admit, I’m asking—and commanding—a lot from you and everyone else. But the reason is that I expected the bus to go to Albuquerque when I bought my ticket. 

SFF: Maybe we’ll still go to Albuquerque.

Me: No other Greyhound bus drives off-road away from their destination. It’s never happened. But this time it did. And it’s apparently because of you … and a busload of crazy people.

SFF: You don’t know the veracity of your statements. Greyhound buses have detoured in the past. I have ordered many to drive to different destinations or, at the least, to travel to alternative destinations before the final destination. I have that power. The Ford Foundation granted it to me.

Turnip: He has all of the power. All power that exists flows through him.

Me: How do you know that?

Turnip: Because someone told me and I believed it.

Me: This is ridiculous.

ALL: Huzzah!

SFF: Everyone, Toad says this is ridiculous!

ALL: Huzzuzzah

SFF: Toad, not every way of comprehending is logical or rational. You may want to try to listen for irregularity more often. Patterns will betray you.

Me: How can patterns betray me?

SFF: By not being useful. If you translate Spanish, word-for-word, into English, it’s a bunch of gobbledygook. If you try to translate irrationality into rationality then you come up with the same ridiculous result. So, yes, this is ridiculous. That’s the first thing you’ve gotten right all day.

Bus driver: Will we be digging holes for the CIA today?

SFF: No, that will be Tuesday.

Me: What is the bus driver talking about?

SFF: He believes that the Ford Foundation is a front for the CIA.

Me: Is it?

SFF: No. If anything, the CIA is stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

Me: Like gum.

SFF: Yes! Everyone, it's safe to dance!