Douchebag Zodiac

I've noticed, over time, that horoscopes are almost always overly positive. I don't think that's accurate. There are far too many assholes in the world. The following is a much more realistic depiction of the characteristics accompanying the zodiac signs.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Lazy. Hate humans. Great in bed, but only because they want to manipulate others into taking care of their nonsexual needs. Believe work is for suckers. Would live in communes, but they can't get along with others. Use deception to maintain friendship, but have elaborate plans to burn others when their lies are discovered. Believe in romance until face to face with humans. Believe nature is beautiful, but won't go camping or hiking. Will spend months at the beach having sex in exchange for food and lodging. Women are highly prone to prostitution, becoming sparkle ponies at Burning Man, and attending electronic music festivals to attract guys who will take care of them. Have their eyes on men with money to burn. Men are prone to become hippies and vagabonds. They prefer being single and are always looking to pick up women (and men). Polyamorous relationships are the only relationships that work for them ... for a time until others realize they are duplicitous which is when they wander to find another band of open sexual partners who have never heard of them. Likely to be thieves. Never marry except for financial security. Will always cheat in monogamous relationships. Pretend to be artists as an excuse to have sex with other artists and as an excuse for their lack of industriousness. Never share or show their art to others because they never create any art. Will steal others art and pass it off as their own. They create elaborate stories about their art lives, sex lives, financial exploits, and more. The closest they come to art is through bullshit. Those less attractive wind up living with parents, become homeless, or commit suicide. Lindsey Lohan is a prototype.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Easily duped. Self-centered, self-absorbed. Prone to narcissism. Excessively organized; prone to OCD. Very attractive sexual partners because they are willing to do anything to please partners due to high need for external validation. Relationships fail most often because of extreme neediness and inattentiveness to the needs and desires of others. Passionate, but unwilling to commit to passions because of high degree of self-doubt. Think of mostly themselves, but not in a beneficial way. Fun to be around for a short periods of time because of their willingness to do anything to fit in. Appear to care a great deal, but only because they want to feel meaningful. When that fails to provide relief from internal strife, they retreat within themselves which provides only temporary relief because it becomes impossible to survive within emptiness. They are often used by others and appreciate being used because they misinterpret the intentions of others. It appears that they are too trusting, but their trust is based on desperation. Use sense of humor to attract others and fit in, but are eventually seen as disturbingly strange by others. When abandoned, they become broody. They are always alienated, but only occasionally aware of it. Prototypes: victims of domestic abuse and those with arrested adolescent development.

Aries (March 21 to April 19): Extremely aggressive. When in good moods, their outgoing nature appears to lovable, fun, and spontaneous. When in bad moods, which occur more frequently, they are loud, obnoxious, and violent. Frequently involved in bar fights, usually bullies as children. The most athletic of them tend to be team leaders, but only because they are megalomaniacal and believe they should be adored and worshiped by all. Internally, they always have some level of disdain for others. Feverishly selfish. As children, they often take toys away from others and enjoy making friends and siblings cry. Sadists at heart, but only the most extreme become torturers, mass murderers, and serial killers. Attracted to law enforcement, militias, and military as avenues to legally abuse others. Domestic violence is common among Aries. Women are excessively manipulative and scheme to find nonviolent ways to harm or dominate others, often using sex as a weapon to belittle and humiliate men and women. Extremely argumentative; they always have to be right. To challenge them is to invite their wrath. They will not quit arguing, haranguing, or attacking until their opponent submits--and even then they may continue to abuse. No one should mess with an Aries and children born between March 21 and April 19 should probably be put down for the sake of the rest of humanity. Ted Bundy is a prototype.

Taurus (April 20 to May 20): Aggressive, though not quite as severe as Aries. Prefer long, monogamous relationships mostly because they like to beat down their partners over time and then "own" them like domestic slaves. Love fighting, but for fun rather than for total domination. Think others who don't fight are "pussies." Women grandstand and berate, but again, for fun. All Tauruses think those with thin skins are weak; "Sensitivity" is considered a euphemism for "wimp." Extroverted show-offs. Self-aggrandizing. Likely to be your boss and likely to rub your nose in the inferiority of your status. Tend to be attracted to fields like finance, insurance, debt collection, and others that involve being dominant where they can enjoy the heartache and suffering of others. They do not perceive their actions as sadistic or mean-spirited. They truly believe in "the survival of the fittest," but also have some sympathy for those they dominate. They want to be liked by those they crush and view their bullying interactions as evidence that they care enough to engage with others. Ignoring people is not something they ever consider and they have disdain for the indifference of others. They are more likely to be fans of German Nazis than the neutral Swiss--at least the Nazis cared enough to engage with the lower forms of life even if it was to wipe them out. The Swiss, from their perspective, "didn't care" and that is unforgivable for the Taurus. There is no one the Taurus wants to hurt more than the neutral and noncommittal. Gordon Gecko is a prototype.

Gemini (May 21 to June 21): Most likely to form lifelong bonds. Appear to be great listeners, but mostly because they are gathering information to use against you or others when the time is right. Manipulative, but for long-term purposes. Because of that, their duplicitousness is difficult to detect. Can be bossy, like to get their way, and secretly pout when they don't. Easily offended, they confuse others to protect themselves from getting hurt. Think of themselves as sensitive and refuse to acknowledge that they are weak-willed. They live in fear of loss and uncertainty terrifies them. Often use sarcasm as defense mechanism to shut down the know-it-all types. Insecure about their deficiencies in relation to others. They are nosy mostly because they want to avoid surprises of any kind. Believe fervently that knowledge is power and use knowledge as a weapon, not out of malice but for self-protection. Gemini have victim mindsets and use deception and misdirection effectively to escape abuse and domination from Tauruses and Aries. Take great pleasure in thwarting bullies and the powerful, but only rarely succeed except later in life because they have spent decades honing their skills against brute force. Those who had relied on circumstantial dominance earlier in life because of natural abilities most often fall prey to Gemini in RV parks and nursing homes. Because Gemini have been in it for the long haul, they thrive in retirement and old age, relieved that the greatest dangers from others are behind them. Gemini love sex, but find it very difficult to trust others enough to attract satisfying partners. That is why they mate for life if they are fortunate enough to find the right person. Their loyalty stems from a firm belief that there is no one else out there for them. Machiavelli is a prototype.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22): Excessively sexual; promiscuous. Likely to masturbate in double digits each day if not with a sexual partner. Cancers who are not attractive to others find life extraordinarily lonely and painful. Sex is everything to a Cancer. Incredibly romantic, but only as a means to bed others. They are incredibly creative in and out of bed. Those who have difficulty finding sexual partners become great artists. They live at night. Clubs, parties, anywhere sexual hookups could flourish. Experiment with every type of drug, every type of high. Relentlessly looking for pleasure. Hedonists without a philosophy. Total sensory beings. Often come across as stupid, frivolous, flighty, but that is because they direct all intellectual energy into getting laid, getting high, increasing pleasure. Highly addictive personalities. Cancers are more likely than most to be heroin and meth addicts, to wind up homeless, to have HIV/AIDS. They never thrive in careers unless in porn, performing arts, prostitution, or thrill-seeking jobs. The most devious become serial rapists. They appear to be incredibly generous and forgiving but that's only because they want to fuck you. Throw a dart at a hip hop or rock star and you'll find a prototype.

Leo (July 23 to August 22): Excessively talkative. Diarrhea of the mouth. Can't keep a secret. Most likely to tattle on you in grade school. Never tell a Leo any secrets; they will betray you. It's not because they are malicious; they simply have no impulse control. They are excited about information and want to share it with everyone. Abnormally prone to believe that sharing salacious information will create connections, build trust, and lead to their being invited to be part of the group. They can't understand why this backfires so often. Instead of scaling back, they talk even more, sharing even more details about others in the most inappropriate and harmful ways. They meddle in other people's relationships and are often the visible and invisible cause of relationships deteriorating. Leo housewives spent most of their lives in the 1950s on the telephone telling friends who such-and-such's husband was sleeping with. Masterful gossipers. Likely to pursue careers in radio and television broadcasting, particularly related to entertainment news or as political pundits on news shows. The more visually oriented Leos become paparazzi. Whenever they have sex they tell everyone about it which is why they rarely have long-term relationships. They bounce from partner to partner, leaving one only when kicked to the curb. This causes no distress as others tend to be more willing to listen to their bullshit after a breakup because they believe he or she might be in pain. Leo is not averse to turning on the waterworks to gain sympathy and a willing ear. Once these patterns are noticed, they are predictable. Leos are monotonous; nothing changes for them. They remain the same person they were as children throughout the entirety of their life. If born in unfortunate circumstances, likely to be killed by gang members or the mafia for running their mouths. A Leo prototype is Fredo from The Godfather.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22): Alpha of alphas. Hates weakness in himself so strives to become great at everything. Perfectionism extends to others as well; hates those who are weak and unskilled but chooses to help and protect them out of a sense of duty rather than empathy or care. Robin Hood complex. Loves to bully bullies. Kills serial killers. Hunts Tauruses and Aries for the challenge. Virgos are the only people Tauruses and Aries fear and actively avoid. Virgos have disdain for authority and view grouping as a sign of weakness. Law enforcement and other groups deemed fascist earn the scorn of Virgos who tend to be loner outlaws but extremely cunning and effective at not getting caught. Will use every means at their disposal to get what they want and achieve what the can. Amazing lovers, but extremely picky. Will go long stretches without sex even though they constantly desire it just to find a worthy partner (or partners). Radical gamblers and risk-takers. Love the thrill of the unknown; can't stand complacency or the status quo. Good at making money but better at spending it. Have no patience with mediocrity; will do anything they can to become great even if that means becoming a great failure. Extremely loyal and respectful, but the slightest betrayal is unforgivable and will lose respect instantly for those they deem unworthy. They will not punish, though. They believe that is beneath them. They can't understand how others think, why they live the ways they do, and because of this sometimes wonder if they are the ones who are clueless, if they are the meek rather than the strong. This only drives them that much harder to become great, even though internally they may be suffering immensely. Have exceptional ability to withstand hardship and are equipped with profound resiliency. Others can't understand how Virgos think, why they live the ways they do. This causes alienation for Virgos. Some are attracted to the mysterious qualities of Virgos while most avoid them out of fear, confusion, and hatred. Remarkably intelligent and athletic and they know it but can't understand why it threatens others. Wonder why they aren't admired and appreciated and interpret the defensiveness and insecurities of others as mean-spiritedness and cruelty. That either leads to the receipt of the Virgos' wrath or to Virgos withdrawing in alienation, alone again in an unloving and unjust world. Dexter is a prototype.

Libra (September 23 to October 22): Nice, silly, fun, sweet, faithful, romantic, and caring. Often athletic, love to play, willing to go along with the interests of others. Sounds so good, doesn't it. But why are they that way? Why do they seem so perfect? No one knows, but what is evident is that they can turn on a dime out of the blue and become extremely aggressive, mean, hateful, and violent. It doesn't happen often. They appear to roll with the punches for long periods of time which leads some to become increasingly dismissive, rude, and even abusive toward them. Libras are extremely tolerant, but if you push them beyond that invisible line you will feel their wrath and it makes the determined anger of Aries, Tauruses, and even Virgos look like indifference. They become berserkers and destroy everything in their path, even those who had done them no wrong. They are tornadoes of viciousness in those moments and the spells can last anywhere from a few minutes to weeks and, in extreme cases, even months--though they are usually arrested in if they go beyond a week or two in that state. Sometimes they are killed, too, when they run into someone with a gun. Nevertheless, it's unwise to push a Libra too far. They are so fun-loving and wonderful one wonders why anyone would, but of course one need only remember there are Aries, Tauruses, and Geminis out there who love to bully and manipulate. Libras tend to be binge drinkers and partyers as well, though they are not addictive types. Sometimes appear to be aimless, but that's only if the groups they are part of are aimless as well. They don't get involved with people who are too organized and serious about life. Heavy thinking is not for the Libra. Keeping things light-hearted and fun is their way. Not good at helping the suffering; prefer not to attend funerals and won't visit you in the hospital. A prototype is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Scorpio (October 23 to November 21): Workaholic. Toady. Crave pats on the head for their efforts. Teachers pet. Very predictable. Allergic to fun and playfulness. Followers. Not an ounce of creativity. Think inside the box always. Averse to change. Impervious to human connection. Detached from emotions. Logical to an extreme. Love puzzles and formulas. Addicted to numbers. Like to be alone. Will play video games or computer games when not working and view playing those games as a type of work. Not deep thinkers; will never ask questions like "What is the meaning of life?" Pets provide companionship, but for some even pets are a nuisance. Goldfish and plants are more attractive than dogs or cats. Drive economical cars that tend to be reliable with high safety ratings. Rarely marry unless to an emotionally unavailable person. Rarely have children, but when they do they never hug them and try to spend as little time as possible with them because they don't know how to interact with them. Their children usually grow up to be confused, lonely, and insecure. Telescopes and ant farms get their hearts racing. Collecting stamps and coins are favorite hobbies. Would be happier if no other humans existed, but wouldn't know what to do as they prefer being told what to do. A prototype is a cubicle worker.

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21): Very loving and caring yet prefers to be alone most of the time. Great in bed, but is very picky about partners. Impatient and easily dissatisfied with mundane activities and situations. Privately, a deep thinker, but in relation to others keeps things light. Wants to be considered fun-loving even though very complex as individuals. Often has trouble perceiving others as they are; makes assumptions that lead to miscommunication and confusion. Long-term relationships are preferable, but partners often prove to be too simple-minded for them. They are loyal, though, so will suffer in silence while pretending to be happy with the way things are. Don't want to impose, but if pushed too far or become too alienated they will lash out, fight back, and are not to be messed with in such states. They can be mean and cruel or simply annoying, but those phases do not last long. Have trouble picking up the pieces after losing control. Go into hiding to recuperate, but come out stronger than before. Can't fathom why others are bullies and manipulators and, like Virgos, despise those types. Unlike Virgos, they do not hunt them. They would rather avoid them. In cases when it is impossible to avoid Aries, Geminis, and Tauruses, they will adopt wallflower poses unless venom is directed at them. They can withstand abuse well, but if the line is crossed, they can crush Aries and Tauruses because they are not used to being challenged. However, by the time Geminis have crossed the line Sagittariuses discover that they are long gone. That leaves them steaming. They work well alone and in groups as part of teams, but do not believe anyone should be a leader of others. Anti-authoritarian because of this and despise fascist-like organizations and behaviors. They just want to get along which causes problems in cultures where people do not get along. A prototype is Peter Gibbons from Office Space.

Capricorn (December 22 to January 19): Sassy, spoiled, entitled, arrogant, irritating, annoying, and combative. Expect others to do things for them. Want to be treated like royalty. Have disdain for others. Believe no one is worthy of being with them so mistreat friends, family, coworkers, employees, sex partners, and anyone else that comes in contact with them. Don't notice that they are hated by everyone. Interpret the disgust expressed by others as jealousy. Can't imagine that they are not as good as they think they are. Completely out of touch with reality and live in fantasy world even in everyday life with others. Oblivious. Obtuse. Fools. Abusive. The best looking are likely to be models and actors. The less attractive are likely to be used car salesman or working pyramid schemes. Believe others are dupes even those who aren't. Are often beaten up or killed by Aries, Tauruses, Virgos, and Sagittariuses. Pisces and Cancers find them irresistible. Scorpios suck up to them and Leos flock to them because they are the only sign that actually enjoys hearing disparaging gossip about everyone else. Capricorn are scum. Male prototype is Justin Bieber; female prototype is Kim Kardashian.