Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses walk into a Bar


In the Beginning, there was a Beheading.

On the Second Day, there was another Beheading.

On the Third Day, there were several Beheadings.

On the Fourth Day, there were hundreds of Beheadings.

On the Fifth Day, there were millions of Beheadings.

On the Sixth Day, there were so many Beheadings everyone lost count.

On the Seventh Day, the people sewed the Severed Heads together and presented them to God who wore the Severed Heads on His Wrist as a Friendship Bracelet.

...

Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses were sitting in a bar.

"Yeah, nice story, Muhammad. We all know it's bullshit."

"Fuck you, Moses. That's exactly how it went down."

Jesus made His Presence felt, "So, Muhammad, you're trying to tell me that the Universe began with a week of Beheadings?"

"Well, that's what my people believe, yes."

Moses laughed. "Your people are fucking crazy!"

Muhammad expressed his indignation. "Oh, right, and your people are completely sane? They followed you through a desert for forty years!"

"That doesn't mean they were crazy. I have charisma. I was like every rock star who has ever existed all rolled up into one."

Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses all laughed. Meanwhile, Buddha sat at the other end of the bar. He had a beer in front of Him but He hadn't touched it. He was busy thinking nothing at all and staring vacantly at the wall of liquors.

Moses pounded His can of PBR, crumpled it, and threw it as hard as He could across the bar. The crushed can hit Buddha on the head just above His ear. Buddha didn't move, didn't even a flinch. A thought arose, though, and that thought was "That didn't happen. It was just an illusion."

Jesus yelled from the other end of the bar, "I can hear your thoughts, Dude. I'm a deity, remember? That can hit you in the fuckin' noggin'." Moses and Muhammad, sitting on either side of Jesus, high-fived Him.

Buddha sat silently and thought, "I didn't hear a voice talking to me. It was an illusion."

Jesus shook His head and said, "Buddha, get some new material, Man. The illusion and nothingness crap is boring as all fuck out."

Moses shotgunned another can of PBR, crumpled it, and threw it at Buddha. This time it hit Him in the jaw. Buddha thought to Himsellf, "I did not feel that. Feelings are illusory. I will continue meditating."

Jesus said to Buddha, "Why would meditation be any different than doing anything else if it's all an illusion? Seriously, your logic is all fucked up."

Muhammad looked at Jesus, "Logic? What the fuck do you know about logic?"

Jesus replied, "I know everything about everything. I'm God you fucking moron."

Muhammad shook His head, "No, no, no, no, no. You are a prophet, same as me."

Jesus flicked a Beer Nut into Muhammad's right eye causing Muhammad to cry out. "Muhammad, I am the Lord thy God and I will beat your ass whenever the fuck I feel like it."

Muhammad angrily responded, "Bitch, I will declare a jihad against your ass. We'll see who's God then, motherfucker."

Moses was barely paying attention to them. Instead, He climbed behind the bar and grabbed an ice-cold PBR from a cooler. He hopped back over the bar and hurled the full can at Buddha. The can exploded against Buddha's ear.

Buddha cried out, "Ow, motherfucker! What the fuck, man?"

Jesus, Muhammad, and Moses almost fell off their bar stools laughing.

Buddha was pissed. He got off of His seat and He glared at Moses, His chest heaving, His breath rapid.

Jesus calmly said, "Chill out, Buddha. It was just an illusion, remember?" Muhammad and Moses laughed again.

Buddha tied His robe, put a twenty on the bar, and walked out.

Jesus mockingly asked, "What happened to the Laughing Buddha I'm always hearing about?"

Muhammad and Moses chuckled. Muhammad said to Jesus, "You would be a good comedian, I think."

"Shit, I am a comedian. I've been playing a cosmic joke on everyone for eternity. You two actually believe you're important in some way. I'm it, man. I'm the only One Who matters. I created your asses just to entertain myself."

Moses interjected, "You mean, Our Father created Our Asses."

"No, I mean I created your asses. I am My Father and I am My Son. I got it all rolling around so crazy none of y'all will ever figure it out. I am the Merry Prankster and there shall be no other Prankster but Me!"

Muhammad said, "You're so full of shit, man. You said You'd be back for a Second Coming and You'd cleanse the world of sin, but it's been two thousand years since You were crucified."

"Yeah, what's your point?"

"My point is You're full of shit. You aren't going back to save the world."

"You got that right, Pardner. You think I'd go back to save their asses after the way they treated Me last time? They fucking crucified me, man! I love it that they all think I'm coming back for them, but Hell no, I won't go! I'm just gonna let 'em keep thinkin' that until they finally figure out what you finally figured out. Took you long enough, Mo."

Mo shook His head. "Jesus, you are one crazy motherfucker."

Moses smiled, "True dat! He was the One Who had me insert all the "Nots" in the Ten Commandments!"

Muhammad broke out into a huge grin, "Are you shittin' me?"

Moses calmly picked up His beer and looked away, "Yeah, I'm shitting you, you gullible desert rat."

"Fuck you!"

"No, fuck you! I'll beat your fucking ass, pussy!"

Satan had been washing glasses in the sink at the other end of the bar, but he sauntered over. "Hey, guys, try to keep it to a dull roar, huh?"

Moses puts up His hands, "No worries, dude. We're just having some fun, that's all."

"Just stay chill, okay."

Satan walked back down to the other end of the bar as Jesus said "Satan, you fucking hippy, get us a round of shots. Tequila."

Satan turned and said, "Three shots? Muhammad?"

Muhammad shrugged his shoulders, "Yeah, why not. These virgin daiquiris suck."

Satan slyly looked at Jesus while saying to Muhammad, "Maybe you should try a Virgin Mary instead."

Jesus hopped over the bar and raced toward Satan, "I told you what would happen if you talked shit about My Mom!" Jesus and Satan went at it, each of them landing vicious blows on the other. The Archangels who had been sitting quietly in the corner ran toward the bar but a horde of Demons jumped in the way. The bar was filled with violence and mayhem. Moses made His way back to the corner and burned some bush while taking in the scene. Muhammad twirled like a whirling dervish smacking the shit out of whoever got near Him, whether it be an angel or a demon. Jesus, meanwhile, had Satan pinned to the ground behind the bar and was jackhammering the Right Hand of God into Satan's bloodied face.

A golden light came pouring through the front doors of the bar. The Virgin Mary walked inside and every saint, sinner, angel, demon, prophet, and deity fell to the ground and bowed. Jesus, though, kept wailing away on Satan, unaware His Mother had come inside. The Virgin Mary floated over the bar and descended next to Jesus. Satan looked up and mouthed, "Thank God," causing Jesus to turn and look up as well. Jesus gulped and mouthed, "Oh, shit." The Virgin Mary grabbed Jesus by the ear and lifted Him through the air toward the entrance of the bar, chastising Him for acting like a drunken lout.

"You're supposed to be setting a good example for these heathens."

"Sorry, Mother, but Satan insulted You. I had to defend Your Honor."

"No, You turn the other cheek and You forgive. Now, tell Satan that You're sorry."

"But Mom!"

"No 'buts,' Mister."

Jesus sighed and turned His head back to Satan. "I'm sorry I kicked Your ass."

Satan smirked and said under His breath, "Whatever You say, Mama's Boy."

"Satan, I am gonna--"

"You're going to what, Jesus?"

"Nothing, Mother."

"As for you, Satan. Mind your manners. If you want to keep tending bar, that is. I can arrange to get your job back in the mines if you'd prefer."

Satan dipped his head, "Sorry, Ma'am. It won't happen again."

Mary turned and led Jesus by the ear out of the bar.

The bar was filled with murmurs as everyone went back to their seats and duties, more than a few grumbling under their breath. Muhammad looked like He'd seen a ghost. Moses, meanwhile, was completely baked. He walked crookedly over to the bar and sat next to Muhammad. He slapped Muhammad on the back.

"That was some heavy shit,  huh, Mo?"

Muhammad shook his head, "Yeah. She scares me, dude."

Moses replied, "Mary? Oh, yeah, Jesus's Mom's a Bitch."

Everyone in the bar went silent. Moses said, "Hey, I'm just sayin' what you're all thinking."

Muhammad said, "Fuck you, Moses, I ain't thinking that at all. Jesus can hear everyone's thoughts, man. You think His Mother can't?"

Moses contemplated for a few moments and then turned to Muhammad, "What were we talking about again?"

Muhammad dropped His head and sighed.

Moses spoke up, "Oh, yeah, we were going to have tequila shots. Hey, you ol' Devil, get Mo and I a couple shots of tequila."

Satan, His face a mess with one eye swelled shut, poured the three of them shots. Moses, Muhammad, and Satan all raised their glasses. "To Heaven and Hell and back again!" They slammed their shots and Moses got up to head to the bathroom. As He approached He saw the signs on the three doors. One read Heaven, one read Hell, and one read Unisex. "Good, they finally got rid of Limbo. It took forever to take a crap in there."

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