Thursday, September 11, 2014

Sex

The English language sucks. It’s possible all languages suck, but I don’t know enough about other languages. The real problem is nouns. Nothing is that static. Everything deserves a verb. Certain acts deserve a plethora of verbs but instead have to settle for a very limited range of verbs. Specific activities deserve special verbs, verbs that sing, have oomph, burst with flavor, causing both elation and exhaustion. Sex is one of those activities.

Consider what we’re offered, in English, for sex. Erase slang terms, the so-called “dirty” words, and what verbs are available? Fornicate. Copulate. Cumbersome, ugly three-syllable verbs that make sex sound like a financial transaction. “Honey, I think we should fornicate our assets to reduce our tax liability this year.” The response, “Are you sure you don’t want to copulate the mortgage instead? We’d have more money to buy a riding lawn mower and fly out to visit my mother for Thanksgiving.”

If you tell friends that you just hooked up with a woman at a bar to fornicate they’re going to wonder if you’ve just offered to fix her car in exchange for a homemade dinner. If you tell your best friend that you copulated with your husband last night she’s going to ask, “Was it really that bad?”

This is why people use slang to describe those uninspired words “sexual intercourse.” Sexual intercourse? Is that the intermission between fellatio and dispassionate sex? Ugh. This is why "fuck" is such an important word. “I fucked her silly” means something, it describes something far more visceral and what could be more visceral than sex? “He boned me so hard I kept cumming even after he stopped.” Now I’m intrigued.

With "fuck" all you need is inflection to describe the quality, intensity, and duration of the act. “Eh, he fucked me” means the sex was lame, unsatisfying, pedestrian. “Oh my god, did we fuck last night. No, listen to me, listen: We … fuuuucked!” Not only was the sex mutually hot but it also went on and on and it was raw and primal, looooong and satisfying, with the likelihood of multiple orgasms. Fuck does so much good work in describing sex that, really, it should be socially acceptable in schools and workplaces. Sex ed should be teaching kids about fucking and also using slang terms rather than scientific jargon to describe sex organs.

“Kids, men have cocks and women have pussies. When the hard cock goes into the wet pussy in and out, in and out, in and out, a man will eventually squirt jizz and hopefully he was able to keep the movement going long enough for the woman to cum because it’s pretty unsatisfying for women when guys blow their wads in less than ten seconds. When eating pussy, it’s important to know where the clit is. It’s a little bulbous fleshy thing that’s covered by a fleshy hood and it’s located above the big hole you shove your dick in and the little hole just above the big hole--that’s the one where the pee comes out. You keep going up from there and it’s the next really fascinating thing you’re going to see. This goes for you, too, girls. Just because you have a vajayjay don’t mean you know your way around it all that well. Man or woman, it takes experience to learn how to eat the pussy.”

One of the biggest problems with the English language is that a great word was made into a noun instead of a verb: Sex. “We had sex.” Is sex a static act? If it is you need to find someone else to fuck! “Sex is a wonderful thing.” Yes, but a better way to say it would be, “Sexing is so hot you don’t want anything but sex and once you’ve sexed all you should be thinking about is ‘I want to sex again, right now!’” See, sex should be a verb. Limiting it to the status of noun robs all of us of the potential the word has. We’re left with fucking and boning and dicking and gashing and, ewww, copulating and fornicating. Where are the sensual verbs for sex? “Making love?” I mean, okay, we’ve had to accept it as the way to describe mutually passionate, intimate, and caring sex but why isn’t there a verb specific to tender, sensual, affectionate sex? It should a “we” verb. “Made love” is a “we” description of sex, a description that doesn’t describe what one person did as if the other person was an object in the affair. I mean, there is sex like that and fucking does a damn good job with that type of sex. Fuck is also a “we” verb, though: “We fucked.” But fuck is too rough, even when said softly, to describe what “making love” conveys.

We need a new word for “making love.” That is your assignment, readers. Come up with a word that properly captures the spirit of the act of lovemaking. It’s no wonder we’re so crass and emotionally stunted as a people. So many nouns that should be verbs, too many nouns period, and the worst possible words to describe the most spectacular act that can occur between human beings. Get crackin’ and solve this fucking problem!

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