No one in history is better than me. Someone told me there was a guy named Icarus who tried to fly to the sun. I guarantee he never got as close as I have gotten. It turned my skin orange. That's the color of the sun, you know, orange. Orange like me. I'm the best at getting close to the sun. No one else in the world can get as close as I got.
Have you got a few more hours to listen to me talk about myself as the best at everything? Because I am the best. At everything. No one has ever been better. I'm better than everyone who has ever lived. I told Jesus, you know, forget about being Jewish, let's try this thing I call Christianity. It's a good thing. I invented it. No one else could have invented Christianity. Only I could have done that.
I tried to tell Muhammad to be a Christian, but he said no, I’m gonna be a Muslim, so I, before I did anything else, I said, ‘You know, the Christians should attack the Muslims.’ And they did, they attacked them and they won because of me. When I see the pope in the next week, I’m sure he’ll thank me for starting Christianity and keeping it afloat all these years. It’s below me to run the Catholic Church, to manage it. That’s why I let the popes do it.
But Europe, that’s where the christians used to live before all of them came to America. All of the Christians in the world live in the United States. They emptied out of Europe hundreds and hundreds of years ago because they were tired of communism. I got tired of the British because they had those weird accents so I convinced the Christians in America to go to war with England. I won that war and then I wrote the Declaration of Independence and emailed it to all of the other people in the world and they all thanked me for being great. I forgot about it until someone at Fox News reminded me of it. I’ve done so many fantastic things that I can’t remember all of them.
But I remember talking with Andrew Jackson about the Civil War. He said it was a bad idea so I talked with Lincoln and he wasn’t having it so I had a reality show TV star shoot him in the head while he was watching a monster truck rally. Then I negotiated peace between the South and the North and the Civil War ended and everyone said, ‘I’m really glad Trump is helping. He’s the greatest at negotiating and helping people.’
I also helped Hitler rise to power. He couldn’t have done it without me. Then he thought he was the best so I talked to the United States and Russia and said, ‘Hitler thinks he’s great. He’s not. You should take him down.’ And they did. I’m great at bringing people together and getting them to agree to do what I want.
When Truman became president he asked me if he should use the atomic bomb on the Japs. I said, yes, you should because I invented it and it’s great, the greatest bomb that’s ever been made, and it’s great because I created it. So we watched the atomic bomb drop on Tokyo on a giant flat screen TV I had built out of twigs and mud.
Then the Russians went off the rails with the whole communism thing and I said, ‘This is no good. We need to stop it.’ So I got Reagan and Gorbachev to talk to each other and I suggested pereztrifecta and gladnog to fix the Russian economy. Then I swam across the Atlantic with one arm tied behind my back and jumped rope all the way to Berlin and told them to build a wall to separate the Russians from the Germans. It was the most brilliant thing I did that day.
Ever since then the Russians have loved me. When I first met Putin, he was a nobody at the time, but when he won the third season of Apprentice I decided to make him president of Russia and now he’s doing great things, great things. The things he does are so great because they are what I would do if I did them. Putin is the second greatest person who has ever lived which still makes him a loser, but he’s the best of all the losers in the world. I’m the only winner, only I am the best, everyone else needs me to fix things because they suck so bad at saying and doing things.
I made Putin make Russia great, but Obama, the Muslim from Africa who broke the law by being black and president at the same time, he ruined America, made it last at everything. That’s when I decided to become the president. The campaign was unnecessary, but I did it because I wanted to make fun of Hillary Clinton for being an old woman. I didn’t need to run for president, I would have won, anyway. I asked Putin if he thought I would win and he said, ‘Of course, you always win even when you don’t try to win.’ Then he reminded me of how I had won the Boston Marathon without even running in it. After that, we drank vodka, watched Schindler’s List, and took breaks to shoot Chechnyans and Muslims from the window of his compound. I mean, it was a long movie and we got bored whenever Jews weren’t being killed. We had tremendous fun, fun that was more tremendous than duck hunting, even more tremendous than golf, which is really saying something even if it isn’t saying everything. Tremendous. Fantastic.
But the media, the media is bad. They got the fake news which is what Obama likes, Hillary likes, all the evil people who hate America and Mother Russia like the fake news. But then I created alternate facts while skinning Kellyanne’s face for the thousandth time while Bannon pumped his fat fist up my ass. I have to have my asshole stretched on a daily basis because I’m always talking out of it.